Manipulated, Drugged, Raped, Repeat

I started getting interested in music pretty early on when I was only 15. I was still living in home when I learned to DJ. I was also raped there and in the child protection association. My first friend was a DJ that’s how I learned to play, but luck wasn’t to last long. I had just turned 15 he was already 21, which is legal in Germany. At first I was in love but later the horror began as he and his friends were all junkies and dragged me into it. They gave me the most insane drugs and he tried sexually on me, his friends helped him and gave him even more stupid ideas. I couldn’t cope anymore and finally wanted to get out of there.

At 17 I eventually left the home and met another DJ who was a little well known, I just thought his music was cool back then and wanted an autograph, so I got that. He kept in touch with me and the attention made me fall a little for him. One time I met up with him at an open air and we went to the Juice Club together where he played at the after party. I think he and his friends gave me some Ecstasy and I remember that I wanted to go home that evening because I couldn’t cope. He stopped me and started kissing me and took me home with him and his ex-girlfriend. She was a well-known actress on a film shoot but he said it was over. He didn’t take me to bed with him, but into the basement. I didn’t really want it, but then I did it because he was so powerful. I also had the impression that I was in love. I was only 17, but he was 28 then and very manipulative. He took me to events a few more times and was seen with me. But the fact was, he wanted to get over his ex and took full advantage of me. It wasn’t about me but about his needs. He called me “Spinfist”, a comment about my age, in front of his colleagues and said I shouldn’t even have an iPhone. He did it a few more times and he and his team put me in real danger. Back then I was looking for contacts and also wanted to DJ at festivals and clubs. They gave me nothing! They shut me out, insulted me and gave me €50-100 to play at small parties.

Two years later I met his buddy at an event, he said he wanted to help me etc. and he noticed how his friend treated me at the time and he was sorry and he did what he could. We met then because I wanted to host my birthday party, he wanted to help me. We drank and talked about it, when I was drunk and wanted to take the taxi home, he pulled me and said he wanted to sleep with me. I didn’t want to, I said it several times. Finally, he jumped into the taxi and came to my house. He literally pleaded until I finally gave in, drunk. He asked why I squint during sex. I remember that. But I was just completely drunk and almost puke. The next day we woke up and he said he was in love with me and we had to hand out flyers and hang up posters during the day because of a party we were promoting., but first we had to go to his house to collect the flyers. There he really raped me, he gave me something like GHB or LSD I don’t know. He wanted to know who was better in bed, his friend or him. I was totally out of it but managed to kicked him off me. He turned on a laptop in my direction with a black screen and a green light, I was naked and confused. I think he did a broadcast. I ran out in a panic and couldn’t find my way home without a taxi. Although I lived in Hamburg. I was on something. I tried to get rid of him because he kept coming back and said he was the right one for me.

A well-known Producer DJ let me know that he didn’t want anything to do with people like me, so my reputation was already tarnished as these guys were all talking about me. But the abuse went on, back then I danced professionally and got to know another DJ and label owner in a strip club in Cologne, where I worked. He was talking about a record deal he was going to offer me. He met with me and ensnared me. He also manipulated me to having sex with me and drove me into a state of intoxication to do this. I was only 19 years old then. The deal never happened of course.

Another DJ I met in Thailand at a party in Koh Phangan. I think this was all in the same year between 19 and 20. He wanted to show me something back then, I thought we were going to the studio. But he drove me into the Thai jungle for two hours and raped me there on a small beach. I was very drunk. He drove me back in the rain for 2 hours and left me on the side of the road and disappeared and I never heard from him again. I was in shock. I didn’t know what was happening to me and tried to downplay everything.

I later met another DJ/Producer from a well-known label, with whom I moved into a shared apartment. We wanted to work together and it was about a record deal but I never got it because I never wanted it as it would it would of meant having to have sex with him. He kept touching my ass at any opportunity and said he knows I want it. When I asked him to stop doing this, he said that he would knock my teeth out so that I wouldn’t be so arrogant. He still released my songs without a signature, I didn’t get any payment or royalties from the releases.

Then another DJ raped me three times too. The first time he harmlessly invited me to a party and gave me drinks until I was drunk and wanted to go home, I believed him when he suggested to share a taxi, he to the hotel and I to my home. But he dragged me over his shoulder to the hotel, I was no longer the master of my senses. And he raped me there. Later he tried to manipulate me by first saying that we just had a one night stand etc. and I was only angry because he is black. He then also said that he only wanted to support me which wasn’t true, because he suddenly wanted money from me when I made it clear to him that I didn’t want to be with him again. He raped and induced me every time completely drunk. Once in Hamburg, Cologne and Croatia.

Another well known DJ also abused me sexually in the most disgusting way too. Later I actually got into a situation with a female in the industry with whom I made music with, it was completely not okay what happened to me! She used my things and profited from my earnings. She took full advantage of me. A well known producer wanted to work with me back then too, but he refused the deal because he was afraid that people would think I had something with him, which would not have happened as I didn’t find him attractive or like him that way but again shows how my reputation was ruined.

So from this industry I never got any money; on the contrary I was exploited, ripped off and raped. Organizers from a well known party, for example, and many others, of course, wanted sex with me or I wouldn’t get any bookings. One tour was called “Fuck For Bookings” It’s really a long and tragic story, but it’s not the tip of the iceberg either.

And another well known DJ, for example, kept saying I was into him and spread lies about me that he was rejecting me, which is absolutely disgusting and untrue. He later tried to get to me after he broke up with his girlfriend. But I blocked him.

I’m mentally at the end and didn’t ask for any of these experiences and I’m now having therapy.